Shame

While guilt is about doing (or thinking) something external, such as transgressing a societal norm or hurting another person, shame’s object is the self -- the person is wrong, deficient, bad. The embarrassment that comes with shame is ever-present. The person self-criticizes, self debases, self-indicts. Shame keeps the person restricted. Shame most often originates from the person’s early life experiences. It can be direct, as a parent consistently telling the child he/she is bad, or the person him/herself constructing this core self assessment, for example believing they can’t live up to an older sibling’s capabilities. Being shameful and embarrassed keeps the person restricted and often depressed. Psychotherapy works at both ends, by uncovering the cause of the shameful orientation so its pull is lessened, and by helping the person replace the automatic thoughts with more self-affirming ones.